Complaints
by MinervaEvenstar
Summary: Harry, Ron, Hermione, Sirius, and Lupin complain about inaccuracies that happen in the books and movies. Implied DMHG and RLSB.


**Complaints**

"Are my eyes green?"

"Yeah," Ron answered Harry.

"Then, why does Daniel Radcliffe plays my character when he has blue eyes?"

"...Dunno."

Hermione looked up from her book. "You both should read Hogwarts: A History."

Ron asked, "What does that have to do with anything, Mione?"

"Nothing. Don't call me that!"

"Why not?"

"No one calls me that in the books, so I can't understand why people call me that in fan fictions."

Harry suggested, "Maybe they were on sugar highs from eating Lupin's chocolate?"

"What! Who ate my chocolate?" Lupin cried.

"Fans," Harry, Ron, and Hermione stated.

Lupin was his calm self again. "Oh, well, I suppose they can be forgiven. After all, without fans the books wouldn't sell."

Harry muttered darkly, "I'm surprised the books are selling at all with all the lies that are in them."

Sirius exclaimed, "I know! I mean, I'M NOT DEAD!"

Hermione said, "Dumbledore isn't either. I saw him leave for The Three Broomsticks with Professor McGonagall."

"Yep," Sirius agreed, "I still think the worst thing was putting Tonks withy _my_ Moony!"

"W-what are you talking about?" Harry sputtered.

Lupin explained, "There was absolutely nothing to indicate romance between Tonks and I in Order of the Phoenix, and then in Half-Blood Prince Jo randomly threw the two of us together. Tonks is a brave and quirky girl, but you must understand that pink hair is _not_ my thing."

"I get that. About you and her, I mean," Harry replied. "But what did Sirius mean saying that you were his?"

"You really haven't figured it out yet?" chuckled Lupin.

"Er...no."

Sirius groaned, "For Merlin's sake! In Snape's memory you saw I didn't give a damn that girls stared at how sexy I used to be-"

Lupin corrected, "You're still sexy."

Sirius smiled. "Thanks, Moony, so are you. I have no idea why such an ugly bloke plays you in the movies. Anyway, as I was saying, Moony and I gave you a joint Christmas gift in book five, Harry, so it should have been quite obvious to you that we're lovers."

"Erm, oh, uh...I guess that makes sense," Harry sighed, annoyed he hadn't realised it before.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Honestly, how could you not see it?"

Ron cried, "I couldn't either!"

"Of course _you_ couldn't. You can be really thick sometimes. I guess that's why a lot of fan fics put me with Draco," said Hermione thoughtfully.

"You don't fancy him, do you?" asked Ron quickly.

"No." Hermione blushed. "He's a prat. Just an intelligent and attractive prat."

Ron and Harry exclaimed, "Hermione!"

"What?" Hermione asked innocently.

Harry said, "Nevermind. Anywho, Sirius, Professor Lupin-"

Lupin told him, "Call me Remus. I'm no longer your professor and I know you trust me; you said so yourself in book three. Jo should have had you call me by my first name by now."

"Okay, Remus. I just want you both to know that I'm fine with you being, er, together."

"I knew you would be, but Padfoot was worried, so we didn't tell you sooner."

Sirius shrugged. "Well, it doesn't matter 'cause now you know. What matters is Harry getting back with Ginny."

"I will after I kill Voldemort," Harry reassured. Ron flinched at the name. "I noticed my feelings for her before Half-Blood Prince. They didn't just come out of thin air like J.K.R. made it seem, but I was too obsessed with that posh Cho to take a lot of notice."

"Don't be too hard on Ms. Rowling! She had a baby recently!" huffed Hermione.

Ron replied, "So? My mum had seven!"

Harry said, "Ron has a point...Uh-oh."

"What?" everyone questioned.

"What if Ginny is like her mother and we wind up having loads of kids?"

Sirius grinned. "That's the advantage of shagging a bloke."

"Sirius," Lupin warned, "Behave."

Sirius winked conspiratorially at Ron and Hermione. "It's hot when he uses his professor-voice, don't you think? I called it his Prefect-voice when we were in school. You two are both Prefects, too. Ever try out your _authority_ on each other?"

Ron's ears turned red, but Hermione merely rolled her eyes. "Ron's not even a good Prefect. He never tries to assert this authority you're mentioning. Now, Draco, on the other hand…"

"What is with you calling him 'Draco' today? What happened to 'Malfoy?'" demanded Ron suspiciously. "Hey, where are you going?"

"To Slytherin's common -" Upon Ron's incredulous expression and Lupin's knowing smile, she swiftly amended, "book! Yes, to Slytherin's common book. It's in the library, you know? Too boring for any of you to be interested in."

As Hermione made an uncharacteristically tactless exit, Ron followed after her bellowing to no one in particular, "I'm turning him into a ferret again! Let's see how she likes him then!"

"So…" Awkwardly, Harry cast around for a subject that didn't involve Hermione and ferrets. "How about those nargles?"

_**Minerva's Note:**_ I wrote this before DH came out because I needed a way of venting my complaints. Maybe you agree with some; maybe you don't. Feel free to let me know with a review!


End file.
